From Meish Goldish preciouslife47@a..
Brokelaws Mountain--Moses smashes two tablets at Sinai
The Pink Panzer--Mel Brooks comedy about gay Nazis
Gabbai and Good Luck--Edward R. Murrow takes shul job
Freedomlad--Moses leads Jews out of Egypt
Tsotski--Cute little maydl raised by gangster
Match Pointless--Singles gather for yet another event
Price and Prejudice--Israel withholds Hamas tax money
Furious George--Bush angered by Israeli policies
Looking for Decency in the Muslim World--Mission impossible
The Chronicles of Joseph: The Lyin', the Switch, and the Wardrobe--Coat of many colors brings sibling jealousy
Foyerwall--Shul dedicates memorial plaque
10 Below--Women in balcony watch men form a minyan
Memoirs of a Meisha--Gifted comedy writer pens autobiography
... The Three Burials of Menachem Schneerson--Lubavitchers debate whether the Rebbe is dead
Date Move--Groping on Upper West Side
Running Haired--Joggers wear sheytls
When a Shnorrer Calls--Homeowner pretends not to hear doorbell
Stalk the Line--Eruv is repeatedly vandalized
Unknown White Mohel--Imposter performs bris
Moneyich--Spielberg apologizes for being rich
16 Blechs--Large family cooks for Shabbos
Barefoot in the Shul--Kohanim prepare to duchen
The Kallah Purple--Bride is lifted on wedding chair and falls off
Swiney Godd--Jews worship Golden Calf
Three Days of Chrain--Woman goes on all-gefilte fish diet
Debt--Parents struggle to pay yeshiva tuitions
Jersey Oys--Home assessments rise in Bergen County
The God Couple--Adam and Eve are created
... Forbidden Broad--Kohen meets divorcee
I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Some Change--Shnorrers seek handouts
The 25th Annual Rockland County Kvelling Bee--Bubbies brag about their grandchildren
The Light in the Menorah--Story of Chanukah miracle
The Wedding Shwinger--Chasan gets excited in yichud room
The Woman in White--Wife prepares for mikveh
The Threepenny Pushka--Donations dwindle at aging shul
Altar Goyz--Rabbis perform mixed marriages
Blue String Group--Men adorn their taleisim
(ART: man putting a slice of pizza in his mouth)
Opening this week! Williamsburg's newest pizza shop!
"Just put my pizza in your mouth!"
A mouth-watering experience!
Free shnaaps with every slice!
(Art: a woman's shoe)
Finally! Footwear designed especially for pregnant women...
In a Guteh Shoe
Provides extra support!
Has a Jewish sole!
Guards its tongue!
Men's special this week only:
Stores located throughout Boro Park
(Art: a waterbed)
Too frum to be believed!!!
Don’t let the bedbugs bite!
A mattress so kosher, Moshe Rabeinu would have slept on it!!
Available at the Flatbush Furniture Outlet
12345 Coney Island Avenue, Brooklyn
(Art: an iPod)
The latest in Jewish music…
Plays hundreds of your favorite Jewish songs, including these classics...
Oy to the World!
Bubbie Got Back
Matzo Matzo Man
Shake Your Lulav (Shake Shake Shake)
.. Pishin' and Hopin'
Shlep! (I Need Somebody)
I Can't Get No Get
This Goy's in Love with You
Gelt! (Neil Tzedaka version)
If I Were a Matzo Ball (and You Were a Ladle)
Gentile on My Mind
Bye Bye Black Hat
I've Never Been in Lod Before
A, You're Adar-able
These Shuls Are Made for Talkin'
...and hundreds more!!!
Now available at Jewish music stores everywhere
Lakewood Bans Internet
Lakewood--A group of Orthodox rabbis in Lakewood, New Jersey, announced recently that computers would no longer be welcome in their community.
“The reason is obvious,” said Rabbi Al S. Assur, director of Wary Educators Stop Using Computer Knowledge, or WESUCK. “Just as mixed dancing can lead to sex,” asserted Assur, “so the Internet may lead to Googling yourself.”
Assur explained that the ban was enacted now because of a new computer worm called the Achash Virus.
"It destroys your Purim memory," he said.
The rabbi warned that the Internet was rife with many such viruses.
"We want Jews to pursue mitzvahs, not a virus," he declared.
Many in the community support the ban.
"The Internet is tsorus," complained housewife Bassie Shreier. "My husband searches websites day and night. Better he should help me dust the websites in our attic instead."
Rebbetzin Heerza Chumrah agreed. "I can't begin to tell you how difficult it was erev Pesach," she said, "cleaning out all the cookies from the computer."
Not everyone feels the ban is necessary, however.
"I opened the first yeshiva to teach computers," said Rabbi Lazer Disk. "It was called Torah v'DOS. It offered practical knowledge for students."
Despite complaints by some Lakewood residents, it appears the ban will remain in effect.
"Only one software program will be permitted," said Rabbi Assur. "That's the one that helps us cheat on our taxes."
FEMA Rescues Ima on Bima
New Orleans--Harrowing stories from Katrina victims continued to emerge this week.
One Jewish mother described how she became trapped inside a New Orleans synagogue when hurricane floodwaters struck without warning.
"It felt like Hiroshima," said the young ima, Blima Kadima.
"I stood on the bima," she recounted. "I couldn't breathe, due to my emphysema."
How did she survive? "I found a case of Zima inside the bima," explained Kadima. "After two days, I was rescued by FEMA."
"All I could think of was my daughter Sima," she said. "That kept me going."
Kadima, a native of Lima, emigrated to the U.S. as a baby. Her grandfather fought at Iwo Jima.
"I come from survivors," she declared.
Kadima spent a week in a Houston hospital for her emphysema, plus a recently contracted case of edema.
"I'm fine now," she reported. "They cured it with Noxzema."
Jewish Bird Flu Emerges
Atlanta--The Center for Disease Control warned this week that a new type of bird flu has begun to manifest in parts of the world.
Labeled the "Jewish bird flu," this strain is believed to be even more potent than the Asian variety.
"We're just learning about JBF," said Dr. Eliasz Feit, head of the CDC. "We don't know yet what causes the disease. But we do recognize its symptoms."
Feit said symptoms include:
• going to synagogue to prey
• saving a large nest egg
• craving heron in cream sauce or wine sauce
• changing your last name to Robin-owitz
• flying to Israel without a plane
• telling store clerks to "Put it on my bill"
• reciting the poetry of Isaac Leib Parrots
• circumcising woodpeckers and peacocks
• following cardinals into church
• believing Batman performs bat mitzvahs
• characterizing your mother-in-law as a vulture
• attending a pigeon ha-ben
Feit urged anyone with these symptoms to consult a physician immediately.
Jews Blamed for Katrina
New Orleans--After conducting a comprehensive six-month review of the events surrounding Hurricane Katrina, New Orleans city officials have concluded that responsibility for the disaster lies squarely with the Jews.
"The Levees didn't do their job, plain and simple," said New Orleans Mayor Ray Noggin at a Friday morning press conference. "Because the Levees didn't work, our city got flooded. Those lazy Levees were at fault. They should pay for all the damages."
Rabbi Ira Zentdat, head of the New Orleans Jewish Community Council, attended the press conference and bitterly disputed the mayor's accusation.
"The Levees can hardly be faulted for not working," Zentdat announced later outside the Mayor's office. "Any Bible student knows that the Levees never worked. The Cohens and Levees were always supported by the other Tribes of Israel. The Levees didn't work in the Holy Temple, so why should it be any different in New Orleans?"
Mayor Noggin said the city planned to file a lawsuit to collect for financial losses incurred by Katrina. Total damages have been estimated in the billions of dollars thus far.
Meanwhile, the mayor announced plans to replace the Levees with another form of flood protection.
"We're hearing about new guard walls called Kollels," Noggin said. "I hope they work."
Reform Movement Reforms Itself
New York--Rabbi Rich Coffee, head of the Union of American Hebrew Congregations, Judaism's Reform branch, announced today that the organization would undergo an ideological shift to the right.
"We've grown too liberal and lax in recent years," Coffee declared. "Presently, Jews qualify as Reform so long as they don't boil their pork in a dairy pot on Yom Kipper. But that's all going to change."
Coffee revealed that Reform families would now be expected to send their children to religious schools rather than public schools.
"Let's face it," Coffee said, "the Orthodox send their kids to Orthodox schools, and the Conservative send their kids to Conservative schools. Why shouldn't our kids be in Reform schools?"
Coffee added that the UAHC would also revise its guidelines for intermarriage and conversion. The Pope may no longer preside at a Reform wedding ceremony, even if he wears his yarmulke.
In addition, explained Coffee, a priest may no longer perform a bris. As a result, the UAHC prayer book will now print "Hamalach hagoel oti" instead of "Hagalach hamoel oti."
The UAHC library will also be revamped. Effective immediately, the Five Books of Moses will no longer be shelved under "Fiction."
Israel Withholds Hamas Taxes
Jerusalem--In a move calculated to starve the newly-elected Hamas party, Israel's Knesset voted today to withhold tax money that the state collects for the Palestinian government.
The withholdings total $50 million a month.
Prime Minister Ehud Olsmart said he was pleased with the parliamentary decision, which he hopes will force Hamas out of power and out of business.
"We hope the lack of funds will drive Hamas into the red--the Red Sea, that is!" Olsmart quipped.
Asked if the move was legal, the prime minister replied, "We believe so. We have consulted with accountants in Brooklyn who are experts in how to avoid taxes. They assure us that not paying $50 million a month is nothing."
Olsmart added that, for practical reasons, Israel will soon be operating several cash-only businesses in Boro Park basements.
Abe Lincoln's War in Iraq
by Dr. Alan Dearthowits
Shloken Books, 187 pp. $24.95
In this latest installment in his "What If...?" book series, Harvard historian Alan Dearthowits speculates how the American Civil War might have played out in Iraq instead of the United States.
Dearthowitz begins with the end of the war, noting that President Abraham Lincoln would never have been shot in the temple, but rather in a mosque. He also posits that an Iraqi Lincoln would have promoted rights for shaves, not rights for slaves.
The author compares the Yankees and Confederates with the Sunnis and Shiites. He concludes that the Battle of Bull Run would have been the Battle of Bull Shiite in Iraq.
Dearthowits spends much time analyzing Lincoln's oratory. He asserts that an Iraqi Lincoln would never have delivered the Gettysburg Address, but rather the Burqa Dress. Lincoln’s famous quote, "A house divided cannot stand" would have become "A house exploded cannot stand." In addition, Dearthowits imagines what he terms an "Imam-cipation Proclamation."
The book contains several cartoons drawn by Danish illustrators. One depicts President Lincoln wearing a stovepipe-bomb hat. In another drawing, an Iraqi soldier is eating a Danish, namely a Danish cartoonist.
This book is geared for the serious historian, but it can be understood and appreciated by the lay reader as well.